Is this really my life?

So I turned Thirty on the day I am writing this blog post. I have taken time to reflect on the last 9 years since what I consider my last major birthday. Every year is important to me but the majors mark different milestones.

I began thinking about my life and wondering if it is the way I would have pictured it or desired it to be and the honest answer is no. If I think back to the young man who turned 21, 9 years ago, I do not think he would look at this life the way that it is and be very inspired by it because my goals, ambitions and desires of 9 years ago are simply not the same. I think he would ask himself ‘is this really my life?’

I remember distinctly the sadness and disappointment I felt on my 21st birthday. I had an early shift helping to open the gym I was working at so I was out of the house by 4:30 to walk 15 minutes to take the taxi I needed to be able to get to work by latest 5:30 (the times may be off a little but it was definitely very early morning.).  I Felt like I hadn’t achieved what I should’ve up to that point in my life. I was single with no real prospects (things had just crumbled with someone I thought was it), I was still studying, I had no car, I had a job I knew I didn’t want long term and I was still staying at home. there were other disappointments too but those were some of the major ones I had that morning. I had somehow built up a criteria for what success looked like at that age that looking back was simply unattainable.

Today as I contemplate my life I cannot help but as ‘is this really my life?’. I am actually moved to tears at the joy and contentment I feel about who I am and what the key areas of my life look like. I wish I could say this is because I had a carefully created plan that I followed from that birthday to this to place in my perfect scenario but I didn’t, I did however choose to make some important decisions over the last 9 years that I believe have led me to thrive in life and in faith. I would like to share just two of them that I hope will help you to do the same wherever you find yourself in the cycle of life.

1. Surrender

I was already a follower of Jesus by my 21st birthday and I like many said I surrendered my life to him and wanted his will (God, the trinity’s will) to happen in my life. I would pray prayers, fast fasts and pursue this posture regularly. I realised early that this was the best course for my life because I believe in a God who wants good things for my life and the more I opened my hands to him and allowed him to take control the more I found myself in surprisingly positive scenarios. I am not saying I did this perfectly or quickly but I did my best to make it a reality of my life.

When I look back I see trips takes, friends made, carrier changes, family growth and development and so much more that I make me who I am today, that I am extremely grateful for and that I believe are as a result of have open hands to see what God places in them and what he takes out.

I believe surrender is the posture of recognising there is one greater than me to whom I can entrust myself. Surrender is open hands that hold people, things and situations loosely because you recognise that they aren’t yours to own or control.

1. Ambition

This can come across as the antithesis to surrender but I believe both sides of the coin are needed to thrive in life and faith. From that experience of sadness and disappointment on my 21st birthday I decided I did not want to feel that way on a birthday again so I decided to begin to pursue some specific things in my life.

I started setting goals for the major areas of my life and putting in plans to pursue them. I adopted a saying and idea that I happen to life, life doesn’t happen to me. This really helped to begin to send me in a direction I thought I wanted to be on. I will admit that there was a lot of course corrections as I learnt what I liked more and what I didn’t like. I also had to course correct when I realised I was setting goals based on things that didn’t align with my values and faith.

The trick some great mentors taught me is to run hard with serious focus and desire while having hands open enough for God to steer me in different directions.

I hope that as I land on the 3rd floor as they call it, I will be able to grow in my ability to surrender and that I would have deeper ambition for the things most important to me. I hope that as you read this and consider your life you will consider: What are areas of your life do you need to open your hands about and surrender? Also what are areas of your life do you need to get more focused on and pursue even greater things in?

This really is my life. I like to think I am thriving in it and I hope this post helps you do the same.